loving and respectful at all times

"At the creation of man and woman, unity for them in marriage was not given as hope; it was a command! “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity." (Henry B. Eyring, Ensign, May 1998, 66)

Being one implies that as married couples we seek unity. This is not easy, when pride or other sinful "feelings" get in the way. Unity can only be accomplished, when we put selfishness aside and put the interests of another above our own, in love and with sacrifice.

"Marriage, in its truest sense, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but, rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have." (Gordon B. Hinckley, I Believe, Ensign, Aug. 1992, 6)

It seems that in generations past, women had no say in matters of the home--some men were downright domineering. Today the tables are turned. Homemakers refuse to become the domestic goddess of times past or even to cook dinner at all. Both these attitudes are wrong and are opening the door of following the wrong master. I think the following advise to men also applies to women.

"As a husband and worthy priesthood bearer, you will want to emulate the example of the Savior, whose priesthood you hold. You will make giving of self to wife and children a primary focus of your life. Occasionally a man attempts to control the destiny of each family member. He makes all the decisions. His wife is subjected to his personal whims. Whether that is the custom or not is immaterial. It is not the way of the Lord. It is not the way a Latter-day Saint husband treats his wife and family." (Richard G. Scott, Ensign, May 1999, 26.)

"It was not meant that the woman alone accommodate herself to the priesthood, duties of her husband or her sons. She is of course to sustain and support and encourage them. Holders of the priesthood, in turn, must accommodate themselves to the needs and responsibilities of the wife and mother. Her physical and emotional and intellectual and cultural well-being and her spiritual development must stand first among [their] priesthood duties. There is no task, however, menial, connected with the care of babies, the nurturing of children, or with the maintenance of the home that is not equal obligation." (Boyd K. Packer, A Tribute To Women, Ensign, July 1989, 75)

From this I understand, husband and wife are to work together planning how finances are to be used. They are to be united in determining family rules and discipline of children. They plan family activities together. They are both to see that all household responsibilities are attended to with each giving a share of time to the tasks. Of course, since a homemaker's primary responsibility is to make the home, she is responsible for the lion's share of the home work.

To me this is completely fair. As the homemaker, it is my chosen career to organize and beautify the surroundings, nurture children, and design and implement delicious, nutritious meals. But when Daddy comes home, he should lend a hand in the work that remains to be done--not totally take over while the wife checks out. In the throws of child rearing, the work of the family begins upon arising early in the morning and isn't complete until the last child is asleep at night--sometimes it lasts all night if a child is sick.

I think some women have taken Presidents Scott and Packer's words too far. They assume that since men are to take as much responsibility as they for the home work, that they are off the hook in keeping a home tidy, providing interesting meals, and engaging the children in meaningful activities during the day. What results from this attitude is a messy home, an undernourished family, and fussy children. Not good. It's emotional homelessness.

"In the Lord's plan, it takes two--a man and a woman--to form a whole...For the greatest happiness and productivity in life, both husband and wife are needed. Their efforts interlock and are complimentary. Each has individual traits that best fit the role the Lord has defined for happiness as a man or woman, When used as the Lord intends, those capacities allow a married couple to think, act, and rejoice as one--to face challenges together and overcome them as one, to grow in love and understanding, and through temple ordinances to be bound together as one whole, eternally. That is the plan." (Richard G. Scott, Ensign, Nov. 1996, 73-74)

We must accept and even celebrate each other's differences.

"We loved each other; there was no doubt about that, but we also had to get used to each other. Early on I realized it would be better if we worked harder to get used to each other than constantly try to change each other." Margorie P. Hinckley, Church News, 26 Sept. 1998, 4)

We must be committed to making a marriage work. Divorce only transfers problems from one couple to the next. Learn to make it work with the one you picked.

"Determine that there will never be anything that will come between you that will disrupt your marriage. Make it work. Resolve to make it work. There is far too much of divorce, wherein hearts are broken and sometimes lives are destroyed. Be fiercely loyal one to another." Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, Feb. 1999, 2, 4)

So here we are at the beginning--unity and loyalty. Without them the institutions of family and marriage are doomed. We must stop with the selfishness and pride. We must humble ourselves and be more willing to serve those within the walls of our own homes.

"The words 'none else' eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse." (Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle, 143)

Let us take time for this primary relationship. Let's remember special occasions such as an anniversary or birthday in a special way. Let us pray for one another. Let us listen at those inconvenient times. Let us always guard our speech that it may be loving and respectful at all times. As couples, we are to be unified in love and work together as equal partners. Loyalty can be shown each day through our thoughts, words, and actions.